The Darwin nominees are in again. (This is the
award bestowed upon the people who are best removed from our gene pool.)
And now for the top nominees for 1999.......
NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a Shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's
windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing
a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, a mechanic of Alamo, Michigan, was killed as he was trying to
repair what police described as a "farm-type truck" Burns got a
friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he
could ascertain the source of the troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive
shaft."
NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47 accidentally shot himself to
death in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his
bed, he reached for the phone, but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38
Special, which discharged when he drew to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer, demonstrating the safety of windows downtown Toronto
skyscraper, crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to
his death. A police spokesman said
Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early
Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to
visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window
strength according to police reports. Peter Lawers, managing partner of the
firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun that Hoy was "one of the best
and brightest" members of the 200-man association."
NOMINEE No. 5:
Michael Anderson Godwin made news posthumously. He spent several years awaiting
South Carolina's electric chair for a murder conviction before successfully
having his sentence reduced to life imprisonment. While sitting on a metal
toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit a wire and
was electrocuted.
NOMINEE No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion. A Jay County man,
using a lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed when the
weapon discharged in his face. Sheriff investigators said Gregory David Pryor
died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home while cleaning a 54-caliber
muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to
look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No. 7: [AP, St. Louis]:
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently behaving in a disorderly fashion in a St.
Louis market, when the clerk threatened to call the police. Pueblo grabbed a
hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police
found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
wiener from his throat after he had choked to death.
Poacher Marino Malerba shot a stag standing above
him on an overhanging cliff and was killed instantly when the dead stag fell on
him.
NOMINEE No. 9: [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]:
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off
his lips, teeth and tongue, State Police said. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid,
bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party.
NOMINEE No. 10: [UPI, Portland, Oregon]:
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man, shot through the
skull by a hunting arrow, is lucky to be alive and will be released soon. Tony
Roberts, 25, lost his right during an initiation into Mountain Men Anonymous, a
men's rafting club in Grants Pass Oregon. A member tried to shoot a beer can
off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye instead. Doctors said
that if the arrow had gone one millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
would have been severed and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr.
John Delashaw said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches brain, with the tip
protruding at the rear of Roberts' skull, yet somehow, it managed to miss all
major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that if Roberts had tried to pull the
arrow out, he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted that he and
his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Roberts said, "I feel so
dumb about this."
NOMINEE No. 11: [The Calgary Sun (CP)]:
A man arguing over a love triangle accidentally shot himself in the groin,
taking off his testicles and part of his penis. Police said the man was waving
a .357 Magnum revolver around during a shouting match, but when he stuffed it
back into his pants, the gun went off.
NOMINEE No. 12: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and
struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des
Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little
Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-digging trip. On
an overcast Sunday night, Poole's
pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight
fuse on the older model truck had burned out. A replacement fuse was not
available, and Wallis noticed that a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit
perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting
the bullet, the headlights began to operate and the two men proceeded eastbound toward White River bridge. After
traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet
apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The
vehicle swerved sharply to the right and struck a tree. Poole suffered only
minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair
the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and
released. "Thank God we weren't on the bridge when Thurston shot his balls
off or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper
for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me," said
the reporting officer, Dovey Snyder. "I can't believe those two would admit
how this accident happened." Upon being notified of the wreck, Poole's
wife Lavinia asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them
from the truck.
And the winners are:
I look forward to the Darwin Awards
more than the Oscars, Emmys or Country
Music Awards. The long awaited 1999
Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have
been released! These awards are given
each year to bestow upon (the remains
of) that individual, who through
single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the
most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll...
and envelope please)... We proudly
present the 1999 "Natural
Selection" awards:...
5th runner-up:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when
he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth
Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year
old David Hubal was pronounced dead at
Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County
Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski
run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers,
said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are
used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads
to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St.Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police,
Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without
paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed
the
six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it
fell on him.
2nd Runner-up:
"Man loses face at party". A man at a
West Virginia party (probably related to last year's man in Arkansas who used
the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in
his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the
party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Hyne. "Another man had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne.
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it
off". "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth
out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a
spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that"
Payne said.
1st Runner-up:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an
Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye
last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid
Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer
can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter
to the left, a major blood vessel would
have been cut and Roberts would have
died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny
Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went
through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear
of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss
all major blood vessels. Delashaw also
said had Roberts tried to pull the
arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts
admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said
Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but
the Josephine County district attorney's
office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now this year's winners:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late)Sal Hawkins, of the great state of
Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George
Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between
them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot
fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the
fence and the plan was for (the late)Mr. Pernicky (who was 100-pounds heavier
than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr.
Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having
heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was
abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a
large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a
broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.(Possibly)figuring the
bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut
away his shorts to free himself from
the tree. Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed
into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without
the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To
make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocket-knife penetrated his thigh
3-inches. ( The late)Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and
agony, decided to throw him a rope and
pull him to safety (now he thinks of the
"S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly
driving away. However, in his drunken state, he put the truck into reverse and
crashed through the fence landing on his friend and
killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown
100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his
body, a holly stuck in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts
dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...wherever you are.