By Dave Barry
Published Jan. 2, 2001
Looking back on the year 2000, we have
to say that, all things considered, it was pretty good.
No, hold it! We just received some late returns
in from the 159th manual recounting of the ballots of Palm Beach County, and it
turns out that, by a slim margin, it was actually a bad year. So we're glad
that it's finally ...
Whoops! Hold it! We have just been
informed that a Florida court has reversed a ruling overturning an earlier
court ruling that upheld a previous ruling that rejected an appeal of a ruling
that overturned an earlier reversal of an upheld rejection of the decision to
count ballots marked only by drool, which means that the year 2000 was ...
OK, to be honest, we're not sure what
kind of year it was. We're not sure of ANYTHING any more, except that we never,
ever, ever want to have another presidential election like this one. We think
that everybody who had anything to do with this election, including the entire
state of Florida, should be banned from the political process for life. We
especially think that all the lawyers involved should be marooned on a desert
island, surrounded by man-eating sharks, from which the only escape would to be
to build a raft out of severely dimpled chads.
But setting aside the Election from
Hell, there were some bright spots in the year 2000:
-- NASDAQ went deep into the toilet,
which meant we heard a LOT fewer stories about 22-year-old dot-com twerps
making $450 million for starting companies that never actually produced
anything except press releases.
-- The federal budget surplus got so
huge that experts believe it could take Congress as long as 18 months to blow
the entire thing on comically unnecessary pork-barrel projects such as the
Museum of Ketchup.
-- Toward the end of the year, most
people finally stopped thinking that it was clever to say "Is that your
final answer?" and "Whassup!"
-- You also heard almost nothing about
Dennis Rodman.
So on balance, we're feeling pretty
uncertain, in an undecided kind of way, as we take a reflective look back at
2000, which began -- as so many years seem to, lately -- with ...
... which opens with the
entire world braced for the impending Y2K disaster, a story that had received
more media hype than global warming and Britney Spears combined, with
experts warning the public that the electricity could go out, planes could
crash, the economy could collapse and renegade ATMs could roam the streets,
viciously attacking pedestrians who were unable to remember their PINs.
As it turns out, the only technology
that is actually affected by Y2K is the George Foreman Grill, which, at
precisely midnight on New Year's Eve, suddenly starts ADDING fat to foods.
Other than that, nothing bad happens, and on New Year's Day, all the
"experts" admit that they were wrong, and refund all the money they
received for giving flagrantly incorrect advice. And the Backstreet Boys win
the Rose Bowl.
Meanwhile, the dawn of the 21st Century
is celebrated around the world with extravaganzas in all the great cities, most
notably Paris, which uses the Eiffel Tower as a framework for the most
spectacular light show ever seen; London, which turns the Thames into a mighty
river of fire; and Warsaw, which unveils the "Millennium Kielbasa" --
a 1,900-foot-long sausage stuffed with more than 50,000 pounds of high
explosive that, when detonated, causes chunks of smoked meat to rain down
festively all over central Europe.
In other foreign news, Vladimir Putin
takes over as president of Russia, replacing Boris Yeltsin, who is forced to
resign on New Year's Eve when the Kremlin runs out of vodka. In his inaugural
speech, Putin, a former KGB agent, pledges to work for international understanding
and maintain peaceful relations with the United States "until we can
refuel our missiles."
The United States turns ownership of the
Panama Canal over to Panama. Maritime experts quickly became concerned when
Panama, seeking to boost revenue by transforming the aging waterway into a
Disney-style tourist attraction, installs a "log flume" section.
Pieces of disintegrated freighters are soon washing ashore as far away as Costa
Rica.
In South America, the War on Drugs, now
entering its 30th successful year, gets a nice boost when the U.S. announces
that it is giving $1.3 billion more in aid to Colombia, which ducks into the
bathroom eight times during the announcement ceremony.
On the domestic political front, Hillary
Rodham Clinton makes the extreme personal sacrifice of actually moving into a
house located in the state that she has selected to represent in the U.S.
Senate. She pledges to "be a good neighbor for the people of whatever the
hell this town is." But the big news is in the Iowa caucuses, from which
Al Gore and George W. Bush emerge as winners, despite strong objections from
Palm Beach County election officials, who announce that they are not aware of
any state named "Iowa."
President Bill Clinton orders a
do-it-yourself "Build-a-Legacy" kit via the internet.
The big story in Miami is the
intensifying legal battle over whether six-year-old Elian Gonzalez will return
to his father in Cuba, or be allowed to stay in the United States and enjoy the
precious, constitutionally protected freedom to be displayed on network
television every time he burps. In another South Florida development, state
agriculture inspectors learn that eight lime trees in South Florida have been
be infected with citrus canker. As National Guard troops and tanks pour into
the area, a state official states, "we are not ruling out napalm
strikes."
In financial news, America Online
announces the largest merger in history, in which it will acquire Time Warner
in exchange for AOL stock valued at $160 billion, or, a little later in the
week, $34.
On a sad note, legendary Mad cartoonist
Don Martin dies, causing a sad hush to fall over the cartooning world, broken
only by a gentle sound, coming from somewhere up above: SPLOINGGG.
In sports, the St. Louis Rams defeat the
Tennessee Titans 23-16 in the Super Bowl. The Titans graciously concede,
although Palm Beach election officials announce that, according to their
scoring, Tennessee actually won by 257 points.
And speaking of seesaw battles, in ...
... the presidential primary
campaigns heat up as Al Gore, Bill Bradley, George W. Bush and John McCain
sweep through New Hampshire, then hustle down to South Carolina, then blast out
to Wisconsin, then race up to Michigan, then, as a result of a faulty compass,
charge deep into Canada, where, before discovering their error, they spend a
combined $43 million on TV attack ads and hold several debates, in which Bush
repeatedly refers to Canadians as "the Canadish people," and Gore
claims that he was born and raised in Montreal.
Meanwhile, Steve Forbes, who has spent
untold millions of his own money in a hopelessly unrealistic quest for the
presidency, finally comes to his senses and drops out of the race, declaring
that he will now devote his energies full-time to becoming a power forward for
the Los Angeles Lakers.
President Clinton, after working late
many nights in the White House Situation Room, finally finishes building his
legacy. He goes to sleep a happy man, only to discover, on awakening, that
Buddy, the First Dog, has gotten hold of the legacy and chewed it beyond
recognition.
On the financial front, in a chilling
example of the growing menace of cyber-crime, unidentified hackers attack
several major "e-business" websites, temporarily shutting them down,
and thus preventing them from losing money anywhere near as fast as usual.
Meanwhile, the Dow Jones Industrial Average continues to slide, dipping below
the 10,000 mark for the first time since April of 1999. This causes great
concern everywhere except Palm Beach County, where election officials have the
Dow pegged at 263,000 and "climbing like a rocket."
In other Florida stories:
-- State agriculture officials score an
important victory in the War on Citrus Canker when they manage to kill two of
the eight suspected lime trees with a four-hour barrage of artillery fire.
Unfortunately, they also -- "you can't make an omelet without breaking
eggs," notes one state official -- obliterate 237 homes. During the
battle, the six other infected lime trees, aided by Greenpeace volunteers, are
able to escape, setting off a statewide manhunt.
-- After decades of complaints about the
inhumanity of its execution procedures, Florida switches from using the
electric chair to lethal injection. Unfortunately, the first effort does not go
well, as prison officials report that they cannot figure out "how to get
the electricity into the syringe."
-- The official entourage surrounding
six-year-old Elian Gonzalez reaches the 300-person mark, eclipsing the
longstanding record held by the Mike Tyson entourage. In their continuing
effort to show what a happy, normal life Elian is leading, his media advisors
begin scheduling two playing-happily-in-the-yard photo opportunities per day
for the throng of international news media personnel, some of whom have been
pressed against the fence for so long that they will have chain-link
indentations in their foreheads for the rest of their lives.
Charles Schulz departs gently and
quietly, and a sorrowful world realizes that Charlie Brown will never, ever, kick
the football. In sports, Tiger Woods wins the Pebble Beach Pro-Am, the Daewoo
Classic, the Liquid Plumber Open, the Extra-Absorbent Depends Tournament of
Champions and the Nebraska State Spelling Bee. And speaking of winning, in ...
... George W. Bush and
Al Gore clinch their parties' nominations, thanks to a heartfelt outpouring of
money from civic-minded special-interest groups responding to the candidates'
calls for campaign-finance reform. John McCain and Bill Bradley both drop out,
with each man declaring his sincere support for the opponent he has spent the
past several months likening to pond scum. Remaining in the presidential race
are Ralph Nader, representing the Flush Your Vote Down the Toilet party, and
Pat Buchanan, representing the asteroid belt.
President Clinton visits the Franklin D.
Roosevelt Presidential Library and, upon exiting, sets off an alarm. Guards
discover a piece of FDR's legacy in one of the president's pockets. Nobody can
figure out how the heck it got there.
In economic news, consumers voice
increasing concern over rising gasoline prices, which have climbed to record
levels in almost every part of the nation except Palm Beach County, where
election officials report that unleaded premium is selling for 14 cents a gallon.
In science, medical researchers announce
that they have cloned a $100 bill, and will no longer be dependent upon federal
grants.
TRUE ITEM: In the War on Smoking,
several states take legal steps to protect major tobacco companies from
an anticipated huge damage award in a class-action lawsuit. The states need the
tobacco companies to stay in business, because, thanks to the tobacco
settlement, the states now make more money from the sale of cigarettes than the
tobacco companies do. If this makes no sense to you, it's because you're a
human, as opposed to a lawyer.
In other product-liability news, Smith
& Wesson announces that henceforth its handguns will be manufactured so
that, when the trigger is pulled, a little stick pops out of the barrel with a
flag that says "Bang!" The Clinton administration announces that it
will oppose this plan on the grounds that the stick "could poke out an
eye."
On Wall Street, the Dow plunges, then
soars, then evens out for a little while, then -- in a move that alarms many
observers -- briefly switches to degrees Fahrenheit.
In New York City, Mayor Rudolph
Giuliani, angered by charges that the city's police are overzealous, angrily
defends the department in a press conference that ends abruptly when a Daily
News reporter raises his hand and is shot 467 times. A review board later rules
that the shooting was justified on the grounds that "there was no way to
tell that the finger was not loaded."
ANOTHER TRUE ITEM: In a stunning
journalism coup, ABC News reporter Diane Sawyer stands on her head AND gets
squirted with Silly String by international superstar celebrity news object
Elian Gonzalez. Through these and other professional investigative-reporting
techniques, Sawyer is able to show, in a heavily promoted exclusive interview,
that the six-year-old boy is, in fact, a six-year old boy.
Elsewhere in Florida:
-- The War on Citrus Canker escalates as
state agriculture authorities fire more than 23,000 rounds in a shopping-mall
shootout against a gang of renegade orange trees, resulting in numerous
civilian casualties. Unfortunately, all the trees manage to get away, but
authorities confidently report that one of them "lost a lot of sap."
-- Scandal-plagued Miami International
Airport suffers yet another setback when inspectors discover that the new
air-traffic control tower, which has been under construction for two years, is
actually a tree fort. "And not a particularly well-built tree fort,
either," the inspectors add.
-- Dan Marino retires, causing hundreds
of sports-talk-radio callers to stop complaining that he stinks and start
complaining that the Dolphins are going to really stink without him.
In a major upset at the Academy Awards,
the Oscars for Best Film, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Actor and
Actress, AND Best Supporting Actor and Actress all go to Tiger Woods.
And speaking of drama, in ...
... the tension in the
Elian Gonzalez case nears the breaking point as the boy's father flies to the
United States and -- this is a great country -- immediately acquires a nice
suit and roughly 50 lawyers. Meanwhile, the U.S. Justice Department demands
custody of Elian, only to be shrewdly outmaneuvered by the Miami relatives,
whose own lawyer squadron files legal briefs arguing that (1) there is no
"Elian Gonzalez" and (2) he is taking a nap. As tempers flare and
street protests turn increasingly ugly, Miami-Dade County Mayor Alex Penelas
seeks to defuse the situation by sternly declaring that, in the event that
people decide to riot, "we certainly won't stand in the way."
The drama reaches its zenith in the
predawn hours of April 22, when a team of U.S. Border Patrol officers is able
to gain entrance to the Miami relatives' home through the clever ploy of
knocking on the door and shouting "Candygram for the Miami
Relatives!" The agents burst inside and snatch Elian from the arms of
Donato Dalrymple, who has come to be known as "The Fisherman,"
because it sounds better than "The Publicity-Grubbing Parasite."
Within hours, the streets of Miami are
filled with throngs of people shouting and blocking intersections. This is
pretty much normal.
In another landmark legal action, the
federal government's marathon antitrust case against Microsoft comes to an end when
a federal judge finds the software giant guilty of being successful. In what
will prove to be a fateful ruling, the judge orders Microsoft to split into two
smaller companies, one of which will continue to make the "Windows"
operating system, and the other of which will immediately begin manufacturing
Firestone tires. In response, the NASDAQ, for the first time in its history,
closes at exactly equal to pi.
On the legacy front, President Clinton,
with his official entourage of 3,500, flies to Tonga in hopes of brokering a
historic peace agreement, only to discover that, tragically, Tonga is an
isolated island nation that has not been at war with anybody for centuries.
Tongan officials express regret, and promise to give Mr. Clinton a holler if
they spot any hostile-looking canoes or anything.
On a happier note, the year 2000 census
goes smoothly, with preliminary results showing a shift in U.S. population from
the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt, particularly Palm Beach County, which reports a
gain of 157 trillion residents.
In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters
golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly
snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.
And speaking of competition, in ...
... the presidential
race heats up as George W. Bush proposes an idea that he came up with recently
while reading an index card, which is to allow younger workers to take some of
their Social Security money and, as the governor puts it, "investisize in
the stocks market or professional baseball teams or whatever and thusly enjoy
the labors of their fruits." Vice President Al Gore immediately criticizes
this plan as a "risky scheme" that could result in "millions of
dead senior citizens," which in turn "could impact global
warming." Polls show that this is a hot-button issue with the public, with
50 percent of likely voters wishing they had two other candidates to choose
from, and the other 50 percent agreeing.
In legacy action, President Clinton
flies to Wales, where he holds high-level talks with a number of officials,
only to be informed that they are members of his own entourage.
In medicine, the American Academy of
Pediatrics reports that it has finally tracked down 7-year-old Matthew
Parmogaster, believed to be the only remaining boy in the United States not
being treated for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). A team of
camouflage-wearing doctors is able to creep close enough to the youngster to
bring him down with Ritalin-tipped blowgun darts.
In business news, United Airlines
announces that it intends to purchase US Airways, a move that will enable
United, in the words of its official statement, "to nearly double the
number of daily flights that we cancel without warning."
Computer networks around the world are
temporarily paralyzed by an Internet virus called the "Love Bug,"
which gets its name from the fact that it causes computers to mate with other
types of office equipment. It is eventually brought under control, but not
before spawning a host of Mister Coffee machines capable of playing world-class
chess.
In sports, Fusaichi Pegasus wins the
Kentucky Derby, whipped to a strong finish by a nine-iron-wielding Tiger Woods.
In conservation news, the National Park
Service, concerned about the buildup of unwanted brush in the Los Alamos, N.M.,
area, decides to solve the problem by setting a fire that burns down 260 homes.
"We suspected that these homes
might contain unwanted brush," explains a Park Service spokesperson. This
bold action does not go unnoticed by Florida citrus-canker fighters. Speaking
of bold action, in ...
... Vice President Gore
unveils his own plan to save Social Security via a complex system of tax
credits, grants, loans, stern lectures and mandatory home composting, which Gore
would personally direct via a daily two-hour broadcast from the White House.
Texas Gov. Bush, after being briefed on the Gore plan by aides using hand
puppets, dismisses it as "an unwarrantied inclusion upon the
whaddyacallit." Polls show many voters looking into Norwegian citizenship.
Fears are raised that U.S. security has
been seriously breached when the Los Alamos National Laboratory discovers that
it has lost its nuclear secrets. Laboratory officials express shock, noting
that the secrets were kept in a special secure box tied shut with two pieces of
string and clearly marked "NUCLEAR SECRETS! DO NOT TAKE!"
Fortunately, the mystery is solved a few days later, when the secrets are
discovered safe and sound in the home of a laboratory worker whose 8-year-old
daughter, Amber, had taken them to her elementary school for a special
"Show and Tell" session attended by the second through fourth grades
and six special guests from China.
In weather news, the East Coast braces
for what experts predict could be a busy hurricane season. Palm Beach County
reports four feet of snow.
On a cultural note, the hugely popular
TV show "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" has its first million-dollar
winner when an Ohio man correctly answers Regis Philbin's final question:
"What color is my tie?" (Answer: "The same color as your
shirt.")
On the legal front, the U.S.
Environmental Protection Agency announces a ban on molecules, which, according
to an agency spokesperson "can join together and form chemicals."
Meanwhile, an obviously testy U.S. Supreme Court, in an 8-1 ruling, orders
Antonin Scalia to stop cracking his damn knuckles.
In a historic international development
ending 50 years of Cold War hostility, South Korean President Kim Dae-jung
meets with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. They sign a formal pact in which
they agree to henceforth address each other as "Buddy," then flee,
escaping a warm Bill Clinton embrace by mere seconds. On a sadder note, Syrian
President Hafez Assad dies; in an official statement, Vice President Gore
recalls that he and Assad "often raced camels together," while Gov.
Bush extends "deepest sympathy for the widow, Mrs. President Syrian."
Jeff MacNelly, a regular guy who was
also a genius, leaves this world for one where beer is plentiful, cigars are
welcome and all the cars are 1959 DeSotos.
In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually
held, because it's more efficient to just mail the check to Tiger Woods.
And speaking of victories ...
... begins with a
stunning upset of the ruling party in the Mexican presidential election, which
is won by underdog challenger Vicente Fox, aided by an unexpected 4.3 million
votes from Palm Beach County.
In U.S. politics, George W. Bush meets
with his top advisers, who inform him that, after careful consideration, he has
selected, as his running mate, Dick "Dick" Cheney, thus balancing the
ticket by including a person who speaks at least some English. Bush and Cheney
are formally nominated at a convention in Philadelphia featuring a prominent
display of minorities, some of whom -- in a stark departure from GOP tradition
-- are not holding hors d'oeuvres trays. The convention is also marked by
street demonstrations held by angry young people who hate capitalism and
consumerism, and are determined to fight these evils until it's time to go back
to college.
In legacy action, President Clinton,
desperate to forge a lasting Middle East peace, brings Yasser Arafat and Ehud
Barak to Camp David. Finally, after two weeks of exhausting round-the-clock
negotiations, the talks are broken off because neither man can remember what
country he represents.
The U.S. missile-defense system suffers
yet another setback during a much-publicized test when an interceptor missile,
which is supposed to hit a mock warhead high over the Pacific Ocean, instead
slams into the newly refurbished Washington Monument. Military officials,
seeking to put a positive spin on the mishap, note that the monument had
"a very suspicious shape."
In domestic news, the South Carolina state
Legislature, in a move that angers the state's traditionalists, votes to
abolish slavery.
In Florida courtroom action, the jury in
the civil lawsuit against cigarette manufacturers hands down a
harsher-than-expected verdict, ordering a dozen top tobacco executives to be
beheaded. In another controversial ruling, a federal judge orders Napster.com,
the popular Internet music-exchange site, to "put some Wayne Newton on
there."
In cultural news, bookstores around the
country are swamped with orders for the fourth Harry Potter book, "Buy
This Book Or Your Children Will Hate You." U.S. profits total tens of
millions of dollars, all of which will be paid to settle broomstick-related
lawsuits.
Walter Matthau goes to that big, messy
apartment in the sky. In sports, officials of the Baseball Hall of Fame correct
a longstanding oversight by voting to induct Tiger Woods.
And speaking of winners, in ...
... Vice President Gore,
in a historic move, selects as his running mate Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who is a
member of the Jewish faith, which Gore co-founded. Lieberman boldly declares
that he is in favor of God, and demonstrates this by demanding that the
Hollywood community "stop making disgusting and immoral movies" but
"please continue to give us money."
Lieberman is seen as a solid choice, but
there is tension at the Democratic convention in Los Angeles, where the Gore
camp suspects that Bill Clinton is trying to hog the limelight. A Clinton
staffer denies this, claiming that "security considerations" led to
the decision to have the president enter the convention hall riding a chariot
drawn by lions.
In other entertainment news, Monday
Night Football debuts Dennis Miller, hired as a color commentator to boost
ratings. The first broadcast goes well, as Miller interacts well with
play-by-play announcer Britney Spears.
In consumer news, owners of certain
models of Firestone tires receive an troubling notice from the manufacturer
urging them to "lock yourself in your bathroom immediately." Congress
holds emergency hearings, but is unable to get testimony from Firestone tire
designers, who are busy working on an improved new ballot for Palm Beach
County.
On a positive automotive note, the
nation is captivated by the story of 83-year-old Tillie Tooter, who survives
three days trapped in her car in a swamp. Police later determine that she was
run off the road by Florida state agriculture officials, who suspected she
might be carrying infected citrus trees in her trunk. In angry response, a
Florida jury orders the tobacco industry to pay another $300 billion in
damages.
Speaking of survivors: The summer's
surprise hit TV show, "Survivor," climaxes when the other contestants
vote to elect, as the grand-prize winner, Richard Hatch, best known for walking
around naked. Hours later, in what aides for each side claim is a coincidence,
Al Gore and George W. Bush both hold "town hall" meetings in the
nude.
Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival
golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and
locked inside a trunk which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped
into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA
Championship.
And speaking of crime, in ...
... the Midwest is
terrorized by a vicious outlaw gang that robs a string of banks by threatening
to put Firestone tires on the tellers' cars.
But the real excitement occurs in the
political arena, where Al Gore and George W. Bush spend much of the month
sparring vigorously over the critical question -- foremost on the minds of
every American -- of what will be the format for their debates. Gore proposes a
series of 17 debates, 15 of which would consist entirely of the vice president
reading selected portions of his book "Earth in the Balance," soon to
be released as a major motion picture featuring Alec Baldwin as an endangered
species. The Bush camp counters with a proposal for one debate, to consist of a
round of horseshoes, man to man, with no talking. The two sides finally settle
on three debates: one in the standing format, one in the sitting format, and
one with both candidates in a hot tub with Jim Lehrer.
Meanwhile, both Bush and Gore seek to
impress the voters with their qualifications to hold the world's most powerful
office by appearing on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," "The
Late Show with David Letterman," "Late Night with Conan
O'Brien," "The Oprah Winfrey Show," "Judge Judy,"
"Sesame Street," "Gilligan's Island," "Scooby Doo"
and -- most notably -- "Teletubbies," where Vice President Gore
claims that he was the inspiration for Noo-Noo the magic vacuum cleaner, and
Gov. Bush, in a controversial move, kisses Tinky Winky on the lips.
On the issues front, Gore proposes that
the federal government reduce gas prices by releasing oil from the nation's strategic
petroleum reserve, kept in giant salt domes in Louisiana. Despite opposition
from Gov. Bush, who criticizes the plan as "an act of fragrant
perspiration," President Clinton orders the release of 30 million barrels
of oil. The joy of consumer groups soon turns to alarm as a 15-foot-high wave
of petroleum wipes out Baton Rouge. Everyone agrees this is no big loss.
In another consumer development, Kraft
Foods voluntarily recalls millions of taco shells after discovering that some
of them contained genetically altered corn. A Kraft spokesperson stresses that
the tacos are "perfectly safe," provided that they "are handled
properly" and "never allowed near children."
In legal news, the U.S. Justice
Department, which has been holding Los Alamos physicist Wen Ho Lee in jail for
18 months after identifying him as a major atomic spy, announces that it has
reduced the charges to two counts of improper parking. Also getting good legal
news are Bill and Hillary Clinton, who heave a sigh of relief when the special
prosecutor investigating Whitewater announces that, after years of
investigation, he has no earthly idea what "Whitewater" is. The
president declares that he is "proud and humbled to join the ranks of such
big-legacy presidents as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and John F.
Kennedy, who also were never indicted in connection with Whitewater."
In Florida, state agriculture officials
escalate the scope of the War on Citrus Canker to include "any object that
is yellow or orange." Within a week, state crews have destroyed 5,000
school buses, 27,000 traffic cones and Donald Trump's hair.
Outraged, a Florida jury slaps another
$500 billion in damages on the tobacco companies.
The international highlight of September
is the Summer Olympics, which were actually held in Australia in July but are
just now reaching the United States. The delay results from the broadcast
format chosen by NBC, which has decided to make the Olympics interesting to
U.S. viewers by adding soundtracks, breaking away from the competition to show
dramatic profiles, and using computers to digitally replace foreign athletes
with popular NBC sitcom characters. The highlight of the games, without
question, is the thrilling moment when -- with the entire Australian nation
cheering as if with one voice -- the women's 400-meter race is won by
"Frasier" star Kelsey Grammer.
Unfortunately, the Olympics also
produces some unhappy moments. Suspicions of drug use are raised by the
noticeable buildup of syringes on the bottom of the swimming pool. And the
women's gymnastics competition is marred when the vault is set an incorrect
height of 57 feet by volunteer officials from Palm Beach County. But all in all
it is a fine Olympics, with 39 gold medals going to the United States, 32 to
the Russian Federation, 28 to China and 2,038 to Tiger Woods.
Unfortunately, the spirit of
international friendship is nowhere to be found in ...
... when the Middle East
again erupts in violence, touched off when a sacred Jerusalem religious site is
severely damaged by an errant interceptor missile being tested for the U.S.
missile-defense system. The Pentagon blames the malfunction on the fact that
the missile "was, in violation of proper procedure, equipped with
Firestone tires."
In another major international
development, massive street protests in Yugoslavia force the resignation of
President Slobodan Milosevic, who is replaced by Vojislav Kostunica, who
promises to "work toward a day when every Yugoslavian citizen has a
pronounceable name." Milosevic, ending 13 years as a dictatorial thug,
flees to the United States, where he takes a job in customer service.
Meanwhile, the U.S. presidential campaign reaches a fever pitch as Al Gore and
George W. Bush, both of them briefed to the point of incoherence, face off in
their three debates. When it's all over, observers agree that each man managed
to clearly define himself as the owner of several dark suits. With the polls
showing the race to be neck and neck, it becomes clear that the outcome will be
determined by undecided voters who, to judge from their post-debate focus
groups on network TV, have rock salt for brains. ("Dan, I'm concerned
about health care, because I keep wandering into traffic.")
In consumer news, Kraft Foods reports that
a genetically altered corn plant has escaped from its laboratories. A Kraft
spokesperson warns that the plant should be considered "eared and
dangerous."
In Florida, torrential rains bring
widespread disaster, as thousands of homeowners are trapped by rising water,
forcing state agricultural officials to drop bombs on their citrus trees from
helicopters.
In sports, New York City goes nuts over
the first "subway" World Series in 43 years, which is won in
convincing fashion by the New York Mets, who, behind the strong relief putting
of Tiger Woods, destroy the overpaid Yankees and their obnoxiously arrogant
fans. (If you disagree, write your own year in review.)
And speaking of historic clashes, in ...
... the U.S.
presidential campaign finally stumbles to what everyone believes is the finish
line as millions of Americans go to the polls and, in the sacrosanct privacy of
the voting booth, exercise the most cherished right of this glorious democracy:
The right to screw up their ballots. Hints of trouble surface early in Palm
Beach County, where many voters, asked to sign the voter rolls, write their
names on floors, walls, each other, etc.
But the real confusion starts on
election night, as the major news networks, relying on statistics provided by
the Firestone Quality Control Division, first announce that Gore has won
Florida; then that Gore has NOT won Florida; then that Bush has won Florida;
then that Bush has NOT won Florida; then, briefly, that Florida has settled on
the late William Howard Taft. As dawn breaks, confusion reigns; veteran CBS
anchor lunatic Dan Rather sums up the situation for his viewers with the old
country saying: "This race is like a goose trying to catch a mackerel with
a pork chop in his vest pocket and a frying pan on his UHHHHH."
At this point Rather is, mercifully,
felled by a tranquilizer dart, but the rest of the nation is left in a state of
confusion regarding the election outcome. Fortunately, this is America, and not
some unstable Third World nation, so within a matter of hours, the confusion is
transformed into much, much deeper confusion. The skies darken over Florida as
hundreds of thousands of lawyers parachute into the state from bombers supplied
by the Bush and Gore campaigns; most have filed lawsuits before they hit the
ground.
Soon it is impossible to turn on any TV
channel, including the Home Shopping Network, without seeing an expert (defined
as "a person wearing makeup") explaining the incredible cosmic
complexities of "chads" which are tiny squares of cardboard that
contain, hidden somewhere deep in their molecular structure, the intents of
voters.
The state is engulfed in court battles,
such as the case in Chalupa County, where an election worker fed his Pop-Tart
into the ballot-counting machine. The machine registered this as a vote for Pat
Buchanan, but Democratic lawyers make a strong case that it clearly intended to
vote for Al Gore. Gore himself begins holding hourly round-the-clock press
conferences to declare that "in America, every vote must be counted,
whether it is a vote for me, or a vote that, if you hold it up to the light and
stare at it long enough with very little sleep, appears that it might be for
me."
Meanwhile, lawyers for the Bush campaign
pull every legal string to prevent any change in the final Florida count, which
shows Bush ahead by two votes, both cast by Mr. Waldo Hamperthumper, who lives
abroad and whose absentee ballot is postmarked July 3, 1947. Helping the Bush
cause is Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris, a Republican, who -- in a
move that Democrats charge is beyond her legal powers -- certifies that Bush
has won not only in Florida, but also Ohio, California and Michigan. While all
this is going on, Dick Cheney suffers his 43rd heart attack, but quickly declares
through his oxygen tube that he is "feeling fine" and is "ready
to resume consulting with Gov. Bush about what he thinks."
The wild uncertainty of the presidential
election overshadows some big political news at the state level, most notably
the U.S. Senate races in Missouri, which elects a dead person (Orson Welles)
and New York, which elects Hillary Clinton, who, in her first official act,
hires Brad Pitt as an intern.
In non-election news:
-- Israeli and Palestinian leaders agree
to end the violence, then cement the pact by punching each other in the mouth.
-- President Clinton visits Vietnam to
see if he can create a legacy of healing, but the Vietnamese are too busy
setting up McDonald's franchises.
-- Kraft Food reports that the
genetically altered corn plant has turned up in Nebraska, where it has taken
over an entire farm, barricading itself inside a silo protected by a cadre of
vicious and extremely loyal soybeans. The corn plant has issued a series of
demands, among them that it be addressed as "Colonel."
-- France is overrun by mad cow disease
when the French army, sent to stop an incoming shipment of hamburger, instead
surrenders to it.
But the really big story remains the
presidential election, with tension building to a massive, headache-inducing
climax in ...
... a month packed with
so much historic courtroom drama that exhausted TV legal experts start dropping
like flies, only to have new experts shove their bodies aside and resume
analyzing in mid-sentence ("... and so, Bill, depending on how the judge
rules here, we could have a situation where the person next in line for the
presidency is Alexander Haig"). Every few minutes, around the clock, some
court issues a historic ruling overturning a historic ruling issued only moments
earlier by some other court. It quickly becomes impossible for anybody to keep
track of the situation, as evidenced by an alarming incident involving a
sleep-deprived judge in Gazomba County, who, after hearing a ballot-tampering
case, issues a sloppily worded ruling in which he accidentally sentences
himself to death. He is pardoned by Florida Gov. Jeb. Bush, a move that is
immediately challenged by Democratic lawyers, who argue that Bush clearly
intended to pardon Al Gore.
In another memorable legal event, a
truck travels from Miami to Tallahassee carrying a cargo of 800,000 tightly
packed Miami-Dade County voters, every single one of whom testifies before
Judge Sanders Sauls, who subsequently rules that his name can be rearranged to
spell "Undress A Lass."
As the month wears on, the Gore legal
team suffers a series of setbacks, both in terms of court verdicts and hair
days, but the vice president remains upbeat and confident, according to sources
within his inner circle of strategists, which has shrunk to Gore and an
imaginary kangaroo named "Mister Woodles." Gore insists that he
"will not prolong the election unnecessarily"; he makes this
statement at the formal dedication of the new 50-story Tallahassee headquarters
of the Al Gore Florida 2000 Election Lawsuit Institute.
Meanwhile, George W. Bush remains on his
ranch, looking as presidential as he knows how. The ranch does not appear to
have any plant or animal life; it's just a ranch where top Republicans sit
around wearing ranch-style outfits and advising Bush on how to, as the governor
puts it, "have a smooth transmission." His first big job is to select
his cabinet, which, according to a spokesperson, will be "very diverse,
including Americans from every segment of the oil industry." Bush is also
briefed by foreign-policy experts, who show the governor a globe, then spend
several hours explaining to him why the countries on the bottom don't fall off.
In vice-presidential-candidate action,
Joe Lieberman, wearing a fake beard, tiptoes back to his Senate office. Dick
Cheney is diagnosed with citrus canker.
As the deadline looms for picking state
electors for the Electoral College, the Florida state legislature meets in a
controversial emergency session, where the Republican majority, in a move that Democrats
charge is unconstitutional, votes to impeach Bill Clinton.
Finally, with all other legal options
exhausted, the presidential election mess lands up back in the lap of the U.S.
Supreme Court. After several minutes of deliberation, the court issues a
unanimous ruling -- hailed by legal scholars as well as the public -- that
Florida must be given back to Spain.
Spain immediately files an appeal.
And so the year staggers to its
conclusion with the nation mired in a toxic swamp of public cynicism and
corrosive partisan bitterness that could eat away the foundation of our
democracy. And yet, even as earthbound humans wallow in petty squabbles over
chads, something wonderful and hopeful is happening in the heavens: The crew of
the space shuttle Endeavour, piloted by Tiger Woods, completes a major phase in
the construction of the international space station -- a place where, one day,
scientists from around the world will work in harmony for the betterment of
mankind.
Hours later, the station is shot down
during a test of the U.S. missile-defense system.
Happy New Year.